AMERICA'S LOOMING PERSONAL CREDIT CARD CRISIS: SIGN ME UP, I'M NOT WORRIED, I CAN TAKE IT

By F.U. 'My Fortune Cookie Lied to Me' MaLaudanum

2009 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea and Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

Written and submitted in association with Muggles Greenwood Productions and Old Erie Street Bookstore

They say that a Banker on a Kabob makes a pretty good dish
Stick 'em with a skewer and its really quite delish
Cook 'em real good as a barbeque or a roast
Then serve with sauerkraut on a piece of white toast

All this past week people have been coming up to me and saying, "Hey F.U. why aren't you worried about America defaulting on all these high interest credit card loans?"
And I tell them, "Now listen here, buddy, first of all, I'm proud to be an American, and as far as this whole mess is concerned, our hands are clean. And even if it is the so-called 'consumer's' fault, the minute that snobby waiter rejected my Vista Card on the convenient excuse of 'insufficient funds,' well, that's when I said, 'Listen here, Tony, I don't care how many new pairs of comfortable shoes your ex-boyfriend has and won't share with you and that's why you set his walk-in closet on fire and no wonder the little bitch won't talk to you anymore that there is destruction of personal property and you crossed the line."
And when people say to me, "Hey F.U. this is bigger than just you or me, this has significant and potentially severe international economic ramifications." Well, that's when I tell them, "I don't understand all those fancy words, but as far as I'm concerned this mess started in China and that's exactly where it should end."
Folks often respond by asking me, "Hey F.U. what do you have against China?"
And I tell them, "What do I have against China? Let me count the ways, and where should I start? Well, first of all I don't believe I can ever really forgive them for the way they stole all that opium away from the British. But, letting sleeping dogs lie for a minute, I really believe in my heart that the Chinese government caused this whole credit card mess when they had the nerve to think they had the right to go and buy up so many of our red-blooded-christian-god-fearing-all-american-dollars!"
And when these same folks insist on being obtuse, and insist on hiding their head in the sand, and they say things like, "Hey F.U. what's China got to do with it?"
That's when I cut them off with another one of my famous quick witted zingers, "What's China got to do with it? What's love got to do with it? Tanya Turner can kiss my Ike-Lovin' bumb! As far as I'm concerned, China should try peddling its tired old cliches elsewhere. And if they think they can trick the American Public into borrowing freely against a Chinese owned American Dollar, then I say its time for a little bit of American Ingenuity! My Fellow Americans, let's give these Chairman Mao-loving Bankers a little taste of what we call 'Dash and Dine'"
And when they giet flustered and all red in the face, I say, "Listen buddy, you need to calm down, your blood pressure's up, and you're starting to sound like one of those commie-loving-pinko-types."
Besides, its not like we haven't been down this road before. Back in the early 1990s we had a similar problem when the Japanese decided to crash our housing market by stealing early tee-times and purchasing Pebble Beach. Well, we showed them good back then, didn't we? We handed them a bill they wouldn't forget, and then when they had to sell their over-priced assets just to cover on the margins, we bought it all back for pennies on the Yen.
Well, this time, I'm afraid the Chinese think they've got it made. But, baby I just laugh. And if they try to collect on America's un-secured debt, Obama should just draft up a Writ marked 'Power of Attorney' granting them 'unlimited authorization to go suck duck.' And if that's not enough for those German Ruble loving bastards, we'll have Bernie Madouf sign over a 'Quit-Claim Deed' to his Palestinian cousin's gay jiraffe farm. They like soup so much, let them see how Gold Bullion tastes without any real meat.
Then we can all take out brand spanking new 29% low-variable-compounding-interest-rate-with-our-favorite-magic-johnson-logo Gold Platinum Cards, buy brand new fancy espresso makers, and we'll drink and we'll drink and we'll talk and we'll talk to all those overpaid, technologically inclined hot little 1-900 late night 20-something Credit Card Companies Telephone Operators on our brand new speaker-phone-digital-Ipod-Dvd-photoshop-instructions-not-included-microshaft-scanner-color-laser-inkjet-kindle-gameboy-fax-machines.

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