2009 ROCK 'N ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY CAUSES WIDESPREAD MUSHROOM PANIC

By Cletus Mylo and Pato Soupe

2009 (c) Copyright. Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Right Reserved.

A late friday afternoon run on grocery stores left Cleveland's mushroom supply devastated and in complete disarray. The sole cause of this economic crisis was quickly traced directly back to last minute preparations for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.

According to Dr. L.I.B. Hookum Tookum, "This is a mycological disaster. Mushrooms are the lifeblood of Cleveland's small business industry. Without them this city will suffer. Everybody knows that mushrooms grow in shit just like rock and roll. All this for pleasuring the palates and pates of these dilitant invaders and their high fallutin' ways."

Accounts show that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame purchased over 13 tons of the cities mushroom supply within a 24 hour period, leaving the cities restaurants, grocery stores, and downtown street vendors naked and trembling.

Quick to try to shift the blame, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame CEO Mr. Stewart stated, "It wasn't our fault, these british rockers are barbarian mushroom eaters ... I personally saw Jeff Beck eat 3 pounds of raw mushrooms in like three minutes, dude, it was crazy. I told him to 'like slow down, man' and that's when his security dude thugged me in the hallway. I couldn't believe it, I tried to talk to Ron Wood about it but he just laughed and called me a 'wanker'."

While the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was quick to explain itself with whimper and excuse, Cleveland's depleated mushroom supply is not about to rebound anytime soon.

Throughout the Induction Ceremony, VIP guests were seen wolfing down mushroom after mushroom like there was no tomorrow. Local club owner's Handy Buttons and Tooney Lumpy were there to enjoy the festivities. "The mushrooms looked so wonderful, but I didn't get any." Miss Buttons stated. "I managed to get a few." Mr. Lumpy explained. Inductee Larz Ulrich of Metallica stated, "These Brits eat their raw, I tried to keep up with Jeff Beck for a while, man, but he's a fanatic when it comes to mushrooms, after two bags my head was spinning ... when I asked him what he thought of my music he told me I never should have left Genesis ... he thought I was Phil Collins, man. Jeff Beck was my personal hero ... so to hear him say that ... was terrible ... I just wanted to cry."

Picking up the pieces after this debacle will be no easy matter. Cleveland's grocers are teaming up in an effort to seek an emergency supply from Pennsylvania to meet their wholesale contracts for the next critical two week period.

When asked whether or not he felt personally responsible for this crisis, Jeff Beck stated, "I've been a naughty boy. And I don't deserve this award. I will continue to be a naughty boy."

Ron Wood stated, "I asked those boys at the Museum for some old school Cleveland puunanny ... and they sent me a strung out monkey with a fucking toot straw ... that might be how Cleveland rolls ... but it's not my bit ... more Micks thing, really ... damn thing looked like Bruce Springsteen with a banana."

In a last minute Public Relations effort to showcase their new Bruce Springsteen exhibit, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame spokesperson Randy Blather called a special news conference to introduce the Museum's new Official Mascot, 'Lil Toot.' Lil Toot is a miniature Columbia monkey that has a penchant for placing a straw in his nose, hopping around on his haunches, beating his chest, and exclaiming in broken spanish 'Me-More!' In a written statement to City Hall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum states, "Who doesn't love a monkey in a t-shirt that reads 'Bruce'? We just know that Lil Toot wil bring a new air of inspiration and confidence to our lovely little south shore city by the bay."

Only time will tell whether or not Lil Toot's lovable Springsteen-esque antics will be able to reverse the economic devastation caused by the Cleveland Mushroom Run of 2009. What is clear, however, is that the British still rule Rock and Roll with an Iron Fist.

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