2009 ROCK 'N ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY CAUSES WIDESPREAD MUSHROOM PANIC

By Cletus Mylo and Pato Soupe

2009 (c) Copyright. Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Right Reserved.

A late friday afternoon run on grocery stores left Cleveland's mushroom supply devastated and in complete disarray. The sole cause of this economic crisis was quickly traced directly back to last minute preparations for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.

According to Dr. L.I.B. Hookum Tookum, "This is a mycological disaster. Mushrooms are the lifeblood of Cleveland's small business industry. Without them this city will suffer. Everybody knows that mushrooms grow in shit just like rock and roll. All this for pleasuring the palates and pates of these dilitant invaders and their high fallutin' ways."

Accounts show that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame purchased over 13 tons of the cities mushroom supply within a 24 hour period, leaving the cities restaurants, grocery stores, and downtown street vendors naked and trembling.

Quick to try to shift the blame, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame CEO Mr. Stewart stated, "It wasn't our fault, these british rockers are barbarian mushroom eaters ... I personally saw Jeff Beck eat 3 pounds of raw mushrooms in like three minutes, dude, it was crazy. I told him to 'like slow down, man' and that's when his security dude thugged me in the hallway. I couldn't believe it, I tried to talk to Ron Wood about it but he just laughed and called me a 'wanker'."

While the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was quick to explain itself with whimper and excuse, Cleveland's depleated mushroom supply is not about to rebound anytime soon.

Throughout the Induction Ceremony, VIP guests were seen wolfing down mushroom after mushroom like there was no tomorrow. Local club owner's Handy Buttons and Tooney Lumpy were there to enjoy the festivities. "The mushrooms looked so wonderful, but I didn't get any." Miss Buttons stated. "I managed to get a few." Mr. Lumpy explained. Inductee Larz Ulrich of Metallica stated, "These Brits eat their raw, I tried to keep up with Jeff Beck for a while, man, but he's a fanatic when it comes to mushrooms, after two bags my head was spinning ... when I asked him what he thought of my music he told me I never should have left Genesis ... he thought I was Phil Collins, man. Jeff Beck was my personal hero ... so to hear him say that ... was terrible ... I just wanted to cry."

Picking up the pieces after this debacle will be no easy matter. Cleveland's grocers are teaming up in an effort to seek an emergency supply from Pennsylvania to meet their wholesale contracts for the next critical two week period.

When asked whether or not he felt personally responsible for this crisis, Jeff Beck stated, "I've been a naughty boy. And I don't deserve this award. I will continue to be a naughty boy."

Ron Wood stated, "I asked those boys at the Museum for some old school Cleveland puunanny ... and they sent me a strung out monkey with a fucking toot straw ... that might be how Cleveland rolls ... but it's not my bit ... more Micks thing, really ... damn thing looked like Bruce Springsteen with a banana."

In a last minute Public Relations effort to showcase their new Bruce Springsteen exhibit, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame spokesperson Randy Blather called a special news conference to introduce the Museum's new Official Mascot, 'Lil Toot.' Lil Toot is a miniature Columbia monkey that has a penchant for placing a straw in his nose, hopping around on his haunches, beating his chest, and exclaiming in broken spanish 'Me-More!' In a written statement to City Hall, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum states, "Who doesn't love a monkey in a t-shirt that reads 'Bruce'? We just know that Lil Toot wil bring a new air of inspiration and confidence to our lovely little south shore city by the bay."

Only time will tell whether or not Lil Toot's lovable Springsteen-esque antics will be able to reverse the economic devastation caused by the Cleveland Mushroom Run of 2009. What is clear, however, is that the British still rule Rock and Roll with an Iron Fist.

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Some fresh new ideas

Cleveland and its sister city Detroit's downtown skyscraper canyons are mostly on the nod these days by all accounts and observations garnered. While recently immersing myself in a rather sedentary and scholarly life as opposed to the wretched comatose meanderings of yet another loose cannon with a bad case of typewriter keypad itch, I have rediscovered the dirtiest pair of words in my meager vocabulary:

“Idle Thought.”

Considering myself always a proper and forward thinking citizen in search of some fresh new ideas, lately what has crossed my mind concerns the adaptive reuse of our empty downtown cities streets. I have noticed that the lack of human bodies found on downtown Cleveland and Detroit streets affords a vibrant sonority when the human voice is expelled in a yodel or song like fashion towards the heavens.

Loud and clear I say, with tremendous echo effects.

Most major American cities are unable to provide these perfect fertile grounds conducive for the new opportunity of building yodeling competitions to be held in the cities empty canyons due to having in their possession a civilized population that lives within their boundaries.

Not a real problem for our great lakes twin cities. Attracting participants should prove easy.

Being that both cities downtowns resemble massive outdoors beer gardens these days. -- --- Both cities being in possession of loud and rabid sports fans prone to blowing hard and aloud for their "home teams".

Cleveland, Ohio and Detroit, Michigan are natural cities to use local arts funds collected via yet another tobacco tax to study and advance this primitive notion of found sound that adds a lively voice to these moribund and near empty buildings found in their empty downtowns.

A sister project celebrating the joyous unbound and unfettered voice conducive of attracting tourists building yodeling competitions to be held in the cities empty canyons. Outdoor echo karaoke is another novel idea sure to be a tourist pleaser.

Both cities already resembling large public beer gardens, the urban fabric of our two cities would benefit to hear any voices other than those currently raised in salute to cold suds and tepid sports.

Held in conjunction with the ever popular pizza eating contests and Slovenian style yodel polka events, the inclusion of a sing und yodel with the local yokels event held in the twin cities warm weather months would prove tourist positive if not a bit thrilling in a understated fashion.

Not currently having the means to attract a true local musical hero like Bruce Springsteen to host this event should not prove a problem. Cleveland's current number one Slovenian musical star should suffice.

One Michael Stanley Gee.

Since the death of Frankie Yankovic, Michael Stanley is number one in Cleveland! Michael Stanley has a rather popular local band and is really a natural at serving as judge, ringmaster, and host to all future Building yodeling and echo karaoke events to be held in downtown Cleveland due to his long career in music and his superstar status.

Michael Stanley currently is employed by a radio station on the very short stretch of Huron Road between Euclid Avenue and Prospect Road which is the natural empty building canyon to hold the Cleveland found sound events in.

I walk down this short corridor on a daily basis and it is more often than not than I can hit all the notes from white rabbit or rosewood bitters at the top of my lungs and bounce with an echo every note off the top of the rooftops of the halle Brother's building were Gee Stanley is employed as radio jockey.

Truly art events waiting to happen.

Who knows?

Perhaps a world famous Euclid Avenue Karaoke Corridor Project will emerge, or in the case of Detroit a mobile version of karaoke yodels held on the "people mover."

Or a slicker sophisticated version held during the Detroit grand prix.

Either Jeff Daniels or Tim Allen would make great Detroit echo karaoke or building yodeling event hosts .Believe me , any events save more bad sports and the artsy posturing of visiting suburban types a few evenings a year would serve to improve the dead zones currently encountered in Cleveland and Detroit downtown quarters.

Time has come for the artsy fartsy types to forget about painting their precious little ingenious pictures on the empty storefront windows once a year on their annual loutish stroll through downtown Cleveland streets. Instead consider hiring our resident homeless population to sit around and live in these currently empty and void windows as human mannequins.

Your ingenious and soulless artsy types could dress up storefronts and homeless alike and film the whole enchilada and peddle it as yet another bad reality television event, or pawn it off as some queer form of " performance art" or other such kitty litter encrusted " art happening."

The Euclid Avenue Corridor project promises to deliver a quick bus path from the east end of Euclid Avenue , out near the croakerville homes of the mad scalpels of the Cleveland Clinic and University Hospital, into empty streets and spaces known as downtown Cleveland.

Perhaps if on schedule for later this year?

The RTA deadline is November 2008 , and just in time for a winter's tale of snow and weather that makes a Clevelander long for an empty belly, loaded gun , and the streets of Port a prince, Haiti as a winter alternative to the new beauty of Euclid Avenue 2008.

Seems that in the comprehensive planning and attention to every little marble sidewalk and rider courtesy the Euclid Avenue Corridor entails, one large item may have been overlooked in the sea of concrete and rubber trees that is this much vaunted and touted private bus line built at taxpayers expense.

SNOW!

Good luck to you RTA in removing the often heavy load of snow that piles up on Euclid Avenue in a winter's space of time.

Take for example the famous November 1950 Thanksgiving blizzard that dumped 23 inches of wet precipitate in a few short hours. Streetcars were buried on their tracks; nothing seemed to move save the snow squalls.

Wonder how RTA plans to plow the fancy bus and curvy automobile lanes the next time a blizzard sets down here?

Time will tell.

Book selling Time! Relive the fond visual memories of Cleveland, Ohio and Detroit, Michigan when these once great cities still had streets with people on a daily basis up to more good than evil. We offer today George Condon's YESTERDAY'S CLEVELAND and Frank Angelo's YESTERDAYS DETROIT. Both of these volumes are packed with lots of historic photographs and little textual copy.

Perfect for today's book market. Buy 'em both and save a buck.

No kidding around here, both of these swell pictorial volumes are available now, and worth the odd few dollars you might spend on gas or groceries.

Take a bus!
Take a hike!
Get lost!

But if you do take a hike, bus, or get lost do not forget to take a little something with you for protection save your johnson.

Preferably take a fistful of ripe pecorino cheese to toss at any would be artsy writer types that infest cities throughout the world today. Do not worry about repercussions, these insidious wannabe scribes and poetic types are often lazy and hungry simultaneously and certainly not adverse to bending over to swipe someone else's cheesy ideas tossed at them and then reselling it as their own.

Cleveland and Detroit are full of these types these days, as are most American cities form Hoboken to Half Moon Bay. More often than not scratching what itches, looking for some fresh ideas, and attempting to create something of value from their idle thoughts.

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Ain't my "Boss"

Bruce Springsteen was in town once again. B.S. and his e-street band are still peddling warmed over retread Phil Spector spins since 1973.

A constant source of embarrassment while residing in Cleveland during the 1970's, was witnessing this vastly overrated new jersey musical import being hyped up and tossed into the Cleveland radio market via the grease merchants from Columbia records and delivered willingly to the airwaves on wmms fm .

How disgusting it is to still encounter the fascination with Springsteen's music by the naive local crowd to this day. By all accounts Bruce Springsteen is a decent human being and I can positively identify with his non musical political beliefs, I have attempted to sample his offerings over the years but his musical message is lost somewhere in NEBRASKA.

Speaking of bosses, the daily fish wrapper, aka p.d. ,offered forth their new editor , one Susan Goldberg , for an hour of softball repartee via the airwaves of wcpn on their Monday morning November 5th "ideas stream ?" program, which aired from 9:00 to 10:00 a.m.

Never has so little of consequence been said in such an allotted time.

The stench of self-serving palaver clogged the public airwaves for an hour and served to attract no real critical callers. One nice elderly woman called from Lakewood, Ohio, to express her son’s p.d. reading joy when he visits home from a southern Ohio city.

No wonder, if you believe that a quality newspaper is lacking here in the "best location in the nation"; try finding a newspaper down interstate 71 a piece! The p.d. seems to have open access to the public radio station's programming at the expense of any true public criticism, or inclusion of any contrarian or challenging thinkers derived from the public it purportively serves.

The ongoing relationship between the for profit and highly politically motivated pd and our so called " public radio station " wcpn is so cozy as to beg for a third party chaperon to be present to break up their on air petting and make out sessions that occur whenever one of the serial sycophants from the pd crawl into the wcpn radio stations friendly on air confines.

When Ms. Goldberg mentioned "the p.d. and journalistic ethics" I had to excuse myself from breakfast for purpose of an inspired prodigious creation of a malodorous purgative. Welcome, Ms. Goldberg to Ohio's largest newspaper, spaceport, and the ever so predictable quilting bee located at 1801 Superior.

In keeping with the loosely themed subject of writer's, it appears that the Hollywood branch of The Writer's Guild of America may be on strike for awhile.

Along with California oranges, one of our prime American exports is entertainment, and I wish these dedicated hacks the best of luck and success in their pursuit for residuals. In the meantime, perhaps Bart Simpson will pick up an old cigar butt of Winston Churchill's, and we can clone some political diplomacy for the world again.

Or when O. J. Simpson makes his date with the jailhouse he can find solace in Marge Simpson, and Martha Stewart as his main rappes.

If you are venturing a bit east of city limits check out Stevenson’s bar and grill , established 1920 along Lakeshore Boulevard in Euclid , Ohio. A great curative for the political upheaval in Euclid's bloody knuckled recall election tomorrow , Stevenson's is always the same great place for lunch or late dinner seven days a week, great hamburgers, fried baloney, homemade soups, handcut fries , and other comforting foods.

Plenty of cold beverages, and sports on the twin televisions that flank the long bar. The ambience here is the beauty of a restaurant that is charming, family run, and always a popular destination to take a visitor from out of the area.

Never have had anything less than a great meal, served up friendly and cooked to perfection every time. Try their loaded up fish sandwich.

Perfection!

Bookselling Time!

For an early holiday chore why not look no further than a copy of Mary Peale Schofield's LANDMARK ARCHITECTURE OF CLEVELAND, this enjoyable reliable history published in 1976, remains the most accurate and usable guide to date.

You the user will have to overlook the missing buildings that did not make the aesthetic or political cut, and have been taken down since the books publication.

You can always visit the vacant lot as a consolation prize. Such is life in historic preservation architecture starved Cleveland, Ohio.

Thanks to John and Kim, and my Family. Go Oranges! I mean Browns! Those NFL uniforms and all this orange cloth worship has got to go!

Ugly!

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