EDITORIAL: CANDY APPLE ECONOMICS ON A CRASS COURSE

WHY I SUPPORT THE FINANCIAL BANKING CRISIS OF 2008





By F.U. MaLaudanum





Written and Submitted In Association with Muggles Greenwood Productions and Old Erie Street Bookstore





2008 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.





All this past week people have been asking me, "hey F.U.! What is your opinion on this current financial banking crisis?" Well, I tell them, "hey man, I'm all for it." As a matter of fact, I support this Credit Mess one-hundred and ten percent. And if I could afford to support it more, I might be willing to go as high as, say, one-hundred and sixty-five percent.





Now I tend to get a little skeptical when people ask me, "hey F.U.! Why are you in support of this current financial banking crisis?" Because I feel like maybe they're just looking to me for a free ride out to lunch. 'Do your own research, form your own opinion, don't just look to me for the truth.' Besides, don't people realize FOX News is on 24/7 these days?





But, I did a little soul searching the other night. And I came to the realization that there comes a time when certain Leaders of Industry, such as I, myself, and yours truly, F.U., have a personal obligation to share our unique understanding of the state of all things 'Credit' and all things 'Messy'. I call this the 'All things Credit and Messy Factor.' And the old saying, 'bring enough for everybody' really seems appropriate. And, especially, these days, 'with so many terrible problems in this world.'





LOCAL LENDING PRACTICES





A true understanding of global economics requires a foundational assessment of the basic precept of local banking standards and practices. One must never underestimate the value of a basic checking account. Besides, now that I've stopped threatening to take my money out of the bank, the ladies at the service desk are far less smug to me when I ask them to waive my overdraft fees.





During the Clintonian Howdy-Doody Economic Period of the 1990s (or the 'Okie-nomics' Period -as my friend on Wall Street so aptly calls it) people thought they were happy because they thought the were rich. But, really, we all remember how it was -and we weren't happy. Sure, the Yen was flowing. And the Fed Reserve was loose. But, it also meant spending three hours a day standing next to the paper shredding machine.





Well, now that the banking industry finds itself bent over its own proverbial barrel, well, I can tell you that yes, I might be able to allow myself to budget just a little bit more than my regular weekly allotment of happiness and glee. For instance, I like to take an hour or so in the middle of the day, sit back on my front porch and watch the local postman deliver my mail. "How's your back, Frank?" I might ask. And he'd reply, "much better now that we're having this crazy banking crisis." And then I'd ask, "any more of those annoying credit card offers in the mail today?" And he'd reply, "nope."





So, do you see how nice taking time to be part of a community can be? Which brings me to my second topic: Family Budgeting.





FAMILY BUDGETING





Family budgeting is less of a science and more an art, really. And back in the 1990s this country bought a lot of crappy art. Now, I've always been a 'less is more' kind of guy. Rich people understand this as a basic principle; but, poor people, not so much. Food tastes much better now that we're eating less of it. Retail spending as the measure of economic growth is not a financial planning strategy. But, it is a whole lot easier than saying no to teenagers.





Recent Studies have shown that Christmas is an over-rated holiday. And, if you disconnect Cable TV, your children are more likely to read a book. Besides, I recently discovered that the public library has a wonderful Video selection; Beta and VHS.





So, go ahead, do it! Re-embrace the old family traditions before they get lost forever. Take the whole family out for a Sunday afternoon drive in the country. Take them to the park and have a picnic. You know you can't afford to go out to eat anymore. You can only afford enough gas to use the car once a week anyway. And you remember what happened last time you told the wife and kids to use public transit to run their errands?





FORMING AN INVESTMENT STRATEGY





People with financial planning strategies often come up to me and say, "save, F.U., save." But, me, I say, "spend, baby, spend." I think when it comes down to it, and the brass rally monkey finally squawks, the rich people of this country are going to spend us out of this current financial crisis. And, with the right kind of encouragement and positive re-enforcement, I think they can do it. I'm not just talking about some spending free-for-all. I'm talking about a well-planned, well-administered, we-executed, consolidated spending strategy. For instance, when it comes to porkbarrel spending, I say 'buy sheep, sell deer.' Now that the FDIC insures up to $250K I can finally consolidate all of my Washington Mutual Checking Accounts into one. Some folks openly question this approach because they're concerned about Capital Gains Tax. When they ask me, "hey F.U.! What about Capital Gains Tax?" I tell them, "hey, no problem!" Besides, what is 'Capital Gains Tax,' anyway?





People say 'invest,' and I tell them, "hey buddy, I invest my money in F.U." Besides, if I had 401K I'd just spend it. I'd buy a house and then rent it to myself as a tax-shelter. These days, everytime I take a bag full of loose pennies down to the liqour store and I notice all the homeland security and law enforcement hiding behind dumpsters, peering through house windows, lurking around the back alleys, I realize our Gross National Product is over invested in copper. I don't trust gold. I've never been a big fan of the Bond Market. And since I recently started drinking much more, I've decided to invest in aluminum.





I'm not a heartless person. It hurts me too; having to watch all of these poor rich white folks suffer. But, I honestly feel that maybe this is for the best. And that we will all come out of this having gained something as better human beings. I don't believe in labeling people and I don't believe in labeling fiscal periods, either. Besides, you can't call this a Bull Market or a Bear Market if it keeps laying eggs like this.





MONEY = POLITICS + RELIGION





I have always believed that the key to happiness is three-fold: Belonging to the right church, being associated with winning politicians, and having the proper mixture of old money and new money. I call this the 'Wholly Trinity.' And it's never been stronger than it is today. I may be morally bankrupt, but at least I'm not financially bankrupt.





However, if, as some politicians say, this financial crisis is a 'toxic mess' then we should set up a series of International Transport Compacts with Russia and Canada and then direct Governor Palin to bury it in some Alaska landfill.





As for the enviro-eco-hippie-freaks who will complain -someone needs to explain to them the difference between a jazzy liquid groove and solid rock divestiture. With our future commodities in agriculture off-set in hard rock mining options we are free to place our liquidity into a further jazzy groove.





We gotta get our Records straight, then we can buy more Books. Personally, I think we can offset an over-exposed Euro by doubling up on reds and then re-investing in a reliable R&B Fund independently certified as holding proper Motown Credentials. But hey, that's just me.





Besides, now that the Democrats control the White House, the House, and the Senate, it's only a matter of time before we re-build a new national financial surplus through the sale of Nuclear Arms to Iran, Cuba, and Venezuela.





In conclusion, let me say this, when people ask me, "hey F.U.! Do you feel happy?" Well, I tell them, "Bears shit in the woods ... and I know Bull when i hear it ... How can I not be Happy?"

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