OH CLEVELAND, MY CLEVELAND

ROLL ON BIG CLEVELAND, YOU PHUCKING PLUMB

By Muggles 'I Wanna Be Like Chief Wahoo When I Grow Up' Greenwood

2008 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.

As I sat outside the train station of Cleveland, Ohio, waiting for the sun to rise to the west, I realized, 'wait ... what? hold on ... wait a minute! which direction is east?'

Just because I traveled to here from the east -no, correct that! I was traveling east -I came from the west -which means it is quite possible that I'd been looking to the east (thinking it's west) the whole time.

And that is my point exactly. I've always heard critical words used to describe Cleveland, specifically, and Ohio, in particular. However, I have come to believe that the City of Cleveland, itself, is a true testament of deep seated love. A deep seated love for something that has un-intentionally come to embody everything backwards -lopsided -and upsidedown.

This is a place that puts up neon lights reading 'Fifth Third Bank' on one of its seven silly skyscrapers and then fails (or refuses) to grasp entirely how someone ... not from here ... might fail to take it seriously ... or instead, find it almost comical.

This is a place that names its baseball franchise the 'Indians' and then uses a cavalry charge for its late inning rallies. This is a place that trades all of its best baseball players to league rivals and then expects its fan base to believe that a World Series victory sometime, either in this century or the next, is, perhaps, entirely plausible.

And so I continue waiting for the sunrise. Not knowing exactly in what direction to look, and thinking all the while, 'so this is how Moxie Axolotl and Old Mother Olmstead felt all those so many wonderful years ago.'

In my childhood, I always wondered what the hell was Moxie Axolotl talking about, anyway? And what exactly is a 'Whiz Bang?' But, when I dared to ask, she invariably gave me some round about answer that described an eclectic compilation of images and concepts that had little to nothing in common except for the fact that they were both unintentionally beautiful and unintentionally wierd. This is exactly how she described Cleveland. And, it brings me back to my original point (assuming, of course, that I actually had one).

Now, Moxie Axolotl always loved the Arcade. And she always made a point of re-acquainting herself with the building everytime whe came back from California to visit her beloved hometown. Me, on the other hand, I grew up in California, so I have a much more narrow minded view of art, and very little patience with the practice of admiring architecture. When I look at the Cleveland skyline and I see this historic landmark building, I can't help but to ask myself 'why would a city obscure the view of such a beautiful old building with a monstrosity skyscraper shit-ball replica of the empire state building?' [The answer being exactly what Moxie Axolotl would say, 'yes dear, we know, you're talking about two entirely different places and you're just a little bit confused.']

But, the real answer is simple. It is Progress, my friends. And not your ordinary typical everyday forward moving social progress, folks. No, this is a different breed of progress, entirely. This is a progress that defies all logic and prevails solely on the notion that if you keep doing the same thing wrong, over and over again, eventually you will wear down the laws of the universe and the logic of the cosmos until it reaches a point where everything you did will be right and exactly as you think it should because you convinced yourself that you planned it that way all along. In sum, it is progress because it says it is progress. It is, my friends, orchestrated chaos -without a conductor. Cleveland is the little train that could -but most likely won't, anytime soon, or in our lifetime; with the possible exception of some parallel universe where 'things are exactly as they seem' and Cleveland actually does 'Rock.'

But for its inspirational influence as a comedic one-liner, Moxie Axolotl's 'Whiz Bang,' its smog-filled majestic skyline, or its perplexing idiot wizardry, Cleveland, Ohio, is nothing inevitable and always something that some unknowing outsider (even someone such as myself -one generation removed) would easily mistake as being wrong. But, it isn't. And they're the ones who are wrong. And that's my point exactly, I think.

Cleveland is the little train that could have easily just given up. But it didn't, and it doesn't, because it can't. Even though it knows full well it is never going to make it up that hill. Shit, it could have packed it up and sent it back to the banks for liquidation so many times. But, it didn't. It could have simply set the lake on fire and called it a bay (on the North Coast, of course). But, it didn't. It could have accepted the fact that the Browns were probably better off in Baltimore. But, it didn't. I could have embraced the notion that the sunrises to the east, and not the west. But, I didn't.

Oh hell, why don't they just call it the 'Fifteenth Bank' and be done with it? Or better yet, how about the 'Fifth Reich Bank?' Well, the answer is simple. They don't because they didn't. And they didn't because they don't.

Besides, its like Old Mother Olmstead always said whenever Moxie Axolotl would start up with her California Prankster Shenanigans, "there are some things we just don't do here, in Ohio, dear."

Never mind the part where I ask the obvious question, 'what happened to the Third Third Bank or the Fourth Third Bank?' Because I already know that I won't get an answer. And I already know that there is no logical answer available. Because, the truth is simple: Nobody can ever conclusively prove to a Cleveland refugee, once removed, such as myself, that the sun won't maybe sometime actually rise in the west; and that the Browns won't always continue to win, maybe, except when it either seems inevitable or actually matters.

Why don't they call it 'Third World Bank?' Or better yet, reverse that and you've really got something 'World Third Bank.' In the early 1990s I drove past a Thai Restaurant named 'Phuc Yu.' I knew better to stop and eat, and Old Mother Olmstead never approved of such language. Besides, I've lived in California for over thirty years! I don't come to Cleveland for chinese cuisine!? I come here for its amazing autumn changing of the color of the leaves and its wild north coast western sunrises.

Oh phuc it. Sunrises are usually overrated anyway. Roll on Big Cleveland, you phucking plumb.

---

EDITORIAL: CANDY APPLE ECONOMICS ON A CRASS COURSE

WHY I SUPPORT THE FINANCIAL BANKING CRISIS OF 2008





By F.U. MaLaudanum





Written and Submitted In Association with Muggles Greenwood Productions and Old Erie Street Bookstore





2008 (c) Copyright Mr. Clovis Shea and Mr. Mark Stueve. All Rights Reserved.





All this past week people have been asking me, "hey F.U.! What is your opinion on this current financial banking crisis?" Well, I tell them, "hey man, I'm all for it." As a matter of fact, I support this Credit Mess one-hundred and ten percent. And if I could afford to support it more, I might be willing to go as high as, say, one-hundred and sixty-five percent.





Now I tend to get a little skeptical when people ask me, "hey F.U.! Why are you in support of this current financial banking crisis?" Because I feel like maybe they're just looking to me for a free ride out to lunch. 'Do your own research, form your own opinion, don't just look to me for the truth.' Besides, don't people realize FOX News is on 24/7 these days?





But, I did a little soul searching the other night. And I came to the realization that there comes a time when certain Leaders of Industry, such as I, myself, and yours truly, F.U., have a personal obligation to share our unique understanding of the state of all things 'Credit' and all things 'Messy'. I call this the 'All things Credit and Messy Factor.' And the old saying, 'bring enough for everybody' really seems appropriate. And, especially, these days, 'with so many terrible problems in this world.'





LOCAL LENDING PRACTICES





A true understanding of global economics requires a foundational assessment of the basic precept of local banking standards and practices. One must never underestimate the value of a basic checking account. Besides, now that I've stopped threatening to take my money out of the bank, the ladies at the service desk are far less smug to me when I ask them to waive my overdraft fees.





During the Clintonian Howdy-Doody Economic Period of the 1990s (or the 'Okie-nomics' Period -as my friend on Wall Street so aptly calls it) people thought they were happy because they thought the were rich. But, really, we all remember how it was -and we weren't happy. Sure, the Yen was flowing. And the Fed Reserve was loose. But, it also meant spending three hours a day standing next to the paper shredding machine.





Well, now that the banking industry finds itself bent over its own proverbial barrel, well, I can tell you that yes, I might be able to allow myself to budget just a little bit more than my regular weekly allotment of happiness and glee. For instance, I like to take an hour or so in the middle of the day, sit back on my front porch and watch the local postman deliver my mail. "How's your back, Frank?" I might ask. And he'd reply, "much better now that we're having this crazy banking crisis." And then I'd ask, "any more of those annoying credit card offers in the mail today?" And he'd reply, "nope."





So, do you see how nice taking time to be part of a community can be? Which brings me to my second topic: Family Budgeting.





FAMILY BUDGETING





Family budgeting is less of a science and more an art, really. And back in the 1990s this country bought a lot of crappy art. Now, I've always been a 'less is more' kind of guy. Rich people understand this as a basic principle; but, poor people, not so much. Food tastes much better now that we're eating less of it. Retail spending as the measure of economic growth is not a financial planning strategy. But, it is a whole lot easier than saying no to teenagers.





Recent Studies have shown that Christmas is an over-rated holiday. And, if you disconnect Cable TV, your children are more likely to read a book. Besides, I recently discovered that the public library has a wonderful Video selection; Beta and VHS.





So, go ahead, do it! Re-embrace the old family traditions before they get lost forever. Take the whole family out for a Sunday afternoon drive in the country. Take them to the park and have a picnic. You know you can't afford to go out to eat anymore. You can only afford enough gas to use the car once a week anyway. And you remember what happened last time you told the wife and kids to use public transit to run their errands?





FORMING AN INVESTMENT STRATEGY





People with financial planning strategies often come up to me and say, "save, F.U., save." But, me, I say, "spend, baby, spend." I think when it comes down to it, and the brass rally monkey finally squawks, the rich people of this country are going to spend us out of this current financial crisis. And, with the right kind of encouragement and positive re-enforcement, I think they can do it. I'm not just talking about some spending free-for-all. I'm talking about a well-planned, well-administered, we-executed, consolidated spending strategy. For instance, when it comes to porkbarrel spending, I say 'buy sheep, sell deer.' Now that the FDIC insures up to $250K I can finally consolidate all of my Washington Mutual Checking Accounts into one. Some folks openly question this approach because they're concerned about Capital Gains Tax. When they ask me, "hey F.U.! What about Capital Gains Tax?" I tell them, "hey, no problem!" Besides, what is 'Capital Gains Tax,' anyway?





People say 'invest,' and I tell them, "hey buddy, I invest my money in F.U." Besides, if I had 401K I'd just spend it. I'd buy a house and then rent it to myself as a tax-shelter. These days, everytime I take a bag full of loose pennies down to the liqour store and I notice all the homeland security and law enforcement hiding behind dumpsters, peering through house windows, lurking around the back alleys, I realize our Gross National Product is over invested in copper. I don't trust gold. I've never been a big fan of the Bond Market. And since I recently started drinking much more, I've decided to invest in aluminum.





I'm not a heartless person. It hurts me too; having to watch all of these poor rich white folks suffer. But, I honestly feel that maybe this is for the best. And that we will all come out of this having gained something as better human beings. I don't believe in labeling people and I don't believe in labeling fiscal periods, either. Besides, you can't call this a Bull Market or a Bear Market if it keeps laying eggs like this.





MONEY = POLITICS + RELIGION





I have always believed that the key to happiness is three-fold: Belonging to the right church, being associated with winning politicians, and having the proper mixture of old money and new money. I call this the 'Wholly Trinity.' And it's never been stronger than it is today. I may be morally bankrupt, but at least I'm not financially bankrupt.





However, if, as some politicians say, this financial crisis is a 'toxic mess' then we should set up a series of International Transport Compacts with Russia and Canada and then direct Governor Palin to bury it in some Alaska landfill.





As for the enviro-eco-hippie-freaks who will complain -someone needs to explain to them the difference between a jazzy liquid groove and solid rock divestiture. With our future commodities in agriculture off-set in hard rock mining options we are free to place our liquidity into a further jazzy groove.





We gotta get our Records straight, then we can buy more Books. Personally, I think we can offset an over-exposed Euro by doubling up on reds and then re-investing in a reliable R&B Fund independently certified as holding proper Motown Credentials. But hey, that's just me.





Besides, now that the Democrats control the White House, the House, and the Senate, it's only a matter of time before we re-build a new national financial surplus through the sale of Nuclear Arms to Iran, Cuba, and Venezuela.





In conclusion, let me say this, when people ask me, "hey F.U.! Do you feel happy?" Well, I tell them, "Bears shit in the woods ... and I know Bull when i hear it ... How can I not be Happy?"

---